At times I feel unsatiable. There are moments of intense cravings and when I assess what I need, it's clear that I can’t pinpoint one thing in particular. On several occassions I will just blurt outloud to my husband’s confusion,
“I WANT EVERYTHING + nothing.”
We laughed it off as the result of minimizing sugar, but I think there’s something to this.
I have cut booze to a minimum, which was already pretty minimal. No nicotine. I eat relatively clean and I get some form of physical activity every day. Sleep is a priority. And what I notice as I become more and more accustomed to tuning into awareness (and cutting out vices) is that in this state I bump up against reality in totally different form.
The dissatisfaction / wanting feeling is a completely human predicament. I now recognize the nagging and persistent low grade dissatisfaction when it rises, which I believe drives all of us. When we’re present and can recognize it…it’s manageable. When we’re not…forget it.
As I continue my dance with presence (and noticing the desire for EVERYTHING + nothing), it’s opened up some new perspectives. With the help of a powerful guided journey - Out With The Old: 5 Days of Letting Go - I realize there are parts of myself and my life morphing and changing in substantial ways. This requires letting go, including the person I was in my darkest grief.
Here’s an example of what I mean…there was a time during the holidays where I was really content and felt happy with my life, my family. It was breathtaking. The contrast of that present moment compared to a few years ago…so stark. And as I sat in gratitude there was a shadow side that began to present itself. Slowly I saw an image of myself from that painful time when I was deep in active grief. The feelings of despair and bewilderment palpable. The person I am today felt a disconnect from that image remembered. Immediately feelings of compassion flowed for that person (me), but it felt like another lifetime. Almost like someone else.
What came next? Guilt. How dare I move on?
It’s been a few weeks since the holidays and I am just now pulling all of this together, thanks to my experience with the letting go journey I mentioned previously. I don’t think I would have been able to connect the pieces if it had not been for those five days of inquiry and reflection.
The sloughing off of parts of ourselves is another facet of grief. I can see now that I wanted to hold some kind of sacred space for the woman who grieved and lost so much. I will always have a connection to her, but I am ready to let her go in the sense that I don’t need to hold onto that part of myself any longer. Not to prove I loved or lost. Not to keep it as a badge of experience.
Letting go of yet another aspect of my grief allows me to peel back more layers of myself. As a result I can be more present in my life right now. It’s abundant with love, beauty and peace. I am happy and thankful. Letting go does not mean I don’t honor and love my lost. It means I love myself and understand when it’s time to step into the life I am living now.
*Are you interested in learning more about grief guidance and wayfinding? I offer a complimentary 30 minute session.
Photo credit: Quino Al