3 Things - Part I

Without knowing why, I KNEW the unexpected gift I found in my dark night of the soul would become the basis of my life's work - Death. Now, I know this may sound odd to many. It’s a topic we prefer to skirt around. It’s sad. It’s scary. It’s unnerving.

It’s also inevitable.

And so rather than hide from something that we have no control over and push it to the background, my goal is to bring it forward.

Death invited me to be present in the moment. Well, let’s be honest, death demanded it.

When I first had the thought...my husband’s death was my awakening...I felt tremendous guilt. He had to lose his life for me to wake up?! I wrote about it initially in my journal and then some time later discussed it with my counselor. It took time for me to wholly own it.

There’s nothing more stark than loss. It’s absolute.

Death hurdled me into Presence unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. There was no escape. With hindsight, I wonder if it was likely the stark realization to how much I didn’t “see” in my previous life experience. Whatever the case, my eyes were wide open and I now had the capacity to hold an observer's point of view of my life and all of my surroundings.

The interesting thing about Presence is that it is something I flow in and out of, we all do. In the beginning of my journey with Presence I spent more time out than in.

When I found Presence...all I had to do was the next thing in front of me. I didn’t have to worry about tomorrow or the next day. I didn’t have to carry the burden of my thoughts, like what happened to my late husband and all the surrounding details. All I had was the moment I was in...and then the next, and then the next. It began as one breath, then one minute, then five and next fifteen. Soon I graduated to half an hour and then one full hour. It was that tedious. And three months later I realized one day when I was back at work that I went a full morning and didn’t think of my late husband and what happened.

To say, oh just take baby steps….that’s a gross understatement. It was a matter of moments that led to my survival.

Presence is a journey through which I have received relief and insights that have increased the quality of my life today.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.”  -Byron Katie  


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Photo credit: Alex Perez